22nd Friday March

Paranoid. On a high, not quite the peak. Fear of the phone ringing, fear of the door bell. Ian once suggested that this paranoia was guilt. Do I feel guilty? Nope. Am I annoyed I took a chance? Yes. Do I regret what I did? The bit where I gave him evidence to use against me, yes. You'd think we'd learn the first couple times... nope. Do I fantasize about hurting that certain someone? Hell yeah. 

Slightly delusional today, as confirmed by Emily, I hope she's right. As a result of what Austin did (that I started) I could potentially end up as a junkie and a hooker. A week later it turns out I'm a pro at going over the top. There was another one just like Austin more than a decade ago, back in the states. No one involved in that ever recovered, especially the one who played Austin's part. He ODed. Meanwhile I went into the deep depths of depression, barely passed semester one and spent semester two on "vacation."

Went to law class, did the wrong week homework... no points for effort. There are classes to which you can bring a friend and classes where you can't bring a friend. And if you do bring a friend bring one who's a good liar actor who can fake it when caught.


Dinner with Emily at Pancake Parlour

Emily ordered some sort of mocktail with red bull & passionfruit, the Raging Bull (10.00). While I went for a creamy soda (ice cream + lemonade) (7.50), another item on my one day list is to make this at home myself. After all it's only made up of two ingredients.

Emily always orders the Tabriz (11.00), the way she describes it is fascinating  Jas on the other hand describes it as pasta meat/sauce in thin crepes. Short and to the point. No marketing strategies used. :P

Barramundi with Cottage Potatoes 11.00

I love this dish for some reason, suppose it's because it's the closest thing I can get to fish & chips without getting F&C. We shall go for fish & chips at the Beach at some point. In a few weeks I think.

Rocky Road Choc Top 5.00

Dessert. Emily told me it's just like the ones you get at the movies. I don't know what that actually means, but I did find out. It means it was made ages ago and left in the freezer, the cone was stale. It was not nice. Not recommended, perhaps try the lammington or spiced apple instead. I know that's what I'll be doing next time.  

Discussions over dinner included me being a bad listener - despite being able to recite what she said. Hmm... yes I do think I'm a bad listener, must work on that. Talk less, listen more. Even though I do have the ability to do both at the same time. :P

There is one thing in particular about me that makes people hate me, it's a bit of a secret really. Though it's nothing that's bad, it's quite the opposite. Actually like the French Revolution your view depends on which side you're on. But it is something that brings on the deep underlying resentment in some. Emily found out what that thing was today and she is totally judging me now... It's that thing that always bugged Ian about me and what I believe was the reason he attempted to use me near the end. 

Does being a coupon-er and winning/earning lots of offers and vouchers make you stingy? Emily may have suggested that. Toby would call it being frugal, while I call it being American. 

Further discussions on Austin (topic of the week, other than my paranoia). "Oh you and your nerves my dear Mrs Bennett" - Ian. Another thing about me that makes people hate me was revealed. It's closely related to the fact that I hate losing - when it matters. I've gotten every guy I've ever wanted (note that most of my friends are guys) - except this one. And I don't get why he rejected me. Other than maybe because he's looked me up on the computer (working in the IT dept has its perks), there's info that won't be on google. I'd be fine if we had coffee once and he acts like a complete egotistic jerk. That way I'm certain I don't want to be friends.


Perceptions of self. There are 3 perceptions of self. Your ideal self, how others see you, and what or who you really are. But what if you don't know who you are? An actor plays numerous characters, and perhaps sometimes they get caught up in one or two of those parts and it becomes part of who they are. A part that's all it really is. Are you different at work than you are at home? Dominating and scary in the boardroom but not so much at home? Perhaps you're more open and vulnerable. 

Do you ever wonder how well you really know someone? That's what le beau asked me. Everyone has secrets, some more than others. I do try my best to be honest with le beau. I love him and he's the one I want. But due to recent events he doesn't feel the same way. He's suggested we take a break for a couple months, for him to decide if he maybe wants to even be friends. I gave him back the ring (I'm so glad we didn't announce it, that would have been embarrassing) but he wants me to keep it for now. There's still hope. 

What I did to Austin was completely out of character for the version of me le beau knew, and that's what's upsetting him. He doesn't want me to be nice only when I'm with him, but as an all-rounder, and I'm not sure if that's something I can do. I need to be aggressive and dominating at work, that or end up as that person everyone pushes around and get all the bad jobs. End up doing favours and being unhappy.    

Sunday - Deep Depths of Depression

Missed work... with all the drama going on I completely forgot about it! And the worst part was that it wasn't even written down in my diary. Lost in the Deep Depths of Depression I spent the day in hibernation, I feel more alive in my dreams than awake. This is happened once before, it was quite intense and to start again I moved to Melbourne. 

The good news is that after a couple discussions the paranoia has decreased. They might be tracking my activity on the computer but they won't be turning up at my door anytime soon.

Didn't use mouthwash today. Why is this significant? Because I think I might drink it... losing control, and I do feel as if I'm losing my mind - a little.  

Blogger Krissy said... on April 2, 2013 at 3:16 PM  

i'm reading all your posts backwards today (slowly getting through 4 days of blog catch-ups)

I don't know you, but I just want to give you a hug...so *HUGSS*
sounds like you're having a shitty time right now. Totally didn't realise your bf decided to take a break :(

Blogger Charlie said... on April 3, 2013 at 1:36 AM  

Thanks :)

It could be worse - he left me because of me, I'd be even more devastated if he left me for someone else. :(

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